Dear High Level Game,

I went out with a girl last night with whom I have a lot of chemistry. It went alright, but unfortunately, nothing happened. My escalation was weak, although part of that was due to the fact that I didn’t want to force anything unnaturally—especially given the fact that we work together (bad idea, I know). In hindsight, I realize was inside my head for awhile at the coffee shop (figuring out how to close the deal rather than vibing), but she did seem to have fun and came inside before and after (although I couldn’t get her to stay and watch the short film I had told her about, which was where I had planned to make my move). My failure to close recently is becoming very frustrating—this is the third girl who’s come to my apartment on the late night in the last few months that I have failed to do anything with any one of them despite the presence of attraction, and in my co-worker’s case, comfort even—not to mention it’s something I’ve done numerous times before in my life. I am open to any advice/thoughts you have.

--RR, Kansas City, MO

RR,

Your situation is a very common one. There are two things I would like to point out:

1. This is the third or forth unsuccessful attempt at closing the deal with a woman inside your place.
2. It seems as though you need to "bump her buying temperature," then build comfort.

Let me explain...

Regarding the first pointer, this is a matter of instinctively knowing what moves to make, when to execute these moves, and to the degree at which these moves are made. This is known as "calibration." It usually takes several attempts and unwanted results before seeing the patterns of the interaction and learning the lesson. I know this very well; it usually takes me 3 or 4 "failures" before I actually get it. In the meantime, I have felt VERY frustrated. But, when I finally got it, I began to see the situation in a complete different light where it is much clearer. With this new found clarity, I instinctively know how to calibrate. A man can only know proper calibration through experience. Sure, he can fake it and accidentally make the right moves, but he won't know that he should repeat these moves since he was unconscious of them to begin with, so keep at it. Remind yourself that this is a process and you will need to keep getting unwanted results before you master this new skill. This should ease some of the frustration that comes along with picking up a new skill, and should motivate you to keep going.

As for the second pointer, let's talk more about technique and concepts. This girl did come inside, so it is obvious that she feels comfortable enough to do so. Here are a few questions you need to ask yourself:

1. Were you being a man and taking charge?
2. Did you shift your energy to a sexual one, where you communicate with your eyes, your voice, and your body that you want her?
3. Did you put her in the right emotional state of mind where she's likely to want to carry on the interaction towards sex?

These are some of the things you need to make sure when bringing the relationship to that level. You were correct in saying that you were too much in your head. This is the case most of the time when you are close to having sex but cannot make it happen. Ironically enough, it is your obsession with not messing it up that causes you to do so. Experience is the only thing that can ease this struggle. A few things to keep in mind:

1. Remember to take charge. Women want and need a man who can take charge because it makes them feel feminine and sexy.
2. Remember to phase shift. Start communicating with your eyes, voice, and body that you want to sleep with her. How does this look? It's the same look the girls in Maxim and Playboy give the camera: that darting, focused look in her eye as she looks at us. She might even be bighting her lip. Bring your body close to hers and speak deliberately—with passion. If she starts breathing heavily, you know that you’re on the right track.

When you take her back to your place, you must get her physically and emotionally aroused: vibe, build comfort, play with her hair, explain to her that the most sensitive parts of the body are the areas that air and light rarely touch, then touch them. Explain to her that—like animals—humans also need to be petted. That type of touching will release endorphins and increases her blood flow. Touching equals comfort, which will help put her in the right state of mind.

Finally, you must ensure that she is benefiting from the interaction (remember: give first and provide value to her). By doing all of these things, she will receive the benefit of good emotions (including feeling sexy), comfort, intimacy, and physical pleasure. Good luck!

--Michael DeLion

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